Breaking Free Read online

  “And did you?” I asked in a hush.

  “She and dad went to bed, and I made the best damn cookies I have ever eaten. Of course, I ate them all. I was too old for Santa to still be real.” Clare took a big breath. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think I finally found the right recipe. I know how many times I had to burn the cookies, how many times I thought I’d found the wrong Rain. I really do,” she finished in a rush, peeking up nervously at me through her long lashes.

  I smiled and leaned forward to murmur nervously myself, “Clare. I’ve never made cookies before.”

  The breath caught in her throat before she replied so low I barely heard her, “Then let me teach you.”

  We strode proudly into the tiny diner. It was completely fifties-themed with everything from a checkered floor to waitresses in poodle skirts. I glanced reluctantly at Clare from across our little chrome table. “I don’t think I can eat another bite. I’m in a total salt and grease overload.”

  She didn’t say anything, just waved the nearest rollerblade-adorned waitress over.

  “If you could bring us the kitchen sink for two, that would be awesome.”

  The waitress nodded, her curls bouncing. She smiled over at me. “Anything else I can get you young ladies?” Her voice was weathered with age.

  I started to shake my head when an idea popped into my mind. “Oh, my gosh. Do you serve hot chocolate?”

  “Only the best stuff in town. Two mugs coming up.”

  I beamed at her. “Thanks!”

  And with that, she skated back over to the counter where the waitresses were placing their orders. The diner was surprisingly packed with couples or a group of friends at nearly every table and booth. Clare had snagged us the last table, so all that was left in the entire place was a booth near the door.

  Of course, it was just our luck that Brad walked in at that moment with a girl on his arm. Not just any girl, either. He was with Cam.

  I nearly peed myself.

  Eleven

  CAM’S JAW hit the floor the minute she saw Clare and me together. It didn’t help that in the waitress’ absence, Clare had been playing with my hand. I’m pretty sure I was whiter than a sheet of scared paper at that point.

  Brad just smiled, though. I didn’t get it until I saw what he was smirking at. Clare was as white as I was, and they were having an obvious staring contest. Except this one wasn’t friendly in any shape, form, or fashion. I had to make a decision then and there. Because that closet door was getting pretty damn flimsy.

  I unglued my gaze from a shocked Cam and squeezed Clare’s fingers, keeping her from sliding them away. Clare broke eye contact with Brad, her eyes locking on mine.

  She only mouthed three words. “Are you sure?”

  I nodded, taking Clare’s hand with both of mine. I kept her eyes hostage so she wouldn’t look past me. I even resisted looking at Brad and Cam in the reflection of the windows opposite them.

  “So how did you find this place?” I murmured, more urgently than the subject would’ve usually warranted.

  “Brad brought me here,” she answered in an equally intense tone.

  “And now he’s bringing his latest girl here, too?” I gave one short bark of laughter and asked toxically, “Doesn’t he know a guy has to change his MO between victims? Does he even have two brain cells to rub together?”

  Clare threw me a grim look. “He’s smart. And if you don’t think he is, then he hasn’t turned his full attention on you yet. Because when he does, there basically isn’t anything he doesn’t think through and plan for. Trust me,” she said flatly.

  “I do,” I said quietly.

  Clare smiled slightly, and the waitress saved us by bringing over arguably the biggest mugs I had ever seen in my life. They looked like buckets with handles. I broke into a totally goofy grin as she set down the drink and its monstrous mound of whipped cream and chocolate drizzle in front of me.

  Clare gaped openmouthed at hers. “Everyone said the hot chocolate here was big but… I never thought it was this big.”

  The waitress chuckled, skating casually away. I took a small sip from a chocolate straw and was rewarded with a shot of pure whipped cream. I groaned orgasmically.

  Clare nearly choked on her hot chocolate “Oh my God, Rain, you did not just go there.”

  “And yet it would seem I did,” I deadpanned.

  She laughed, attracting the attention of a few nearby tables. But we didn’t care at that point and were trying hard to forget about everyone else around us.

  We tried, that is, until Brad strode boldly over to our table. “S’up, dykes?” he said bluntly, loudly, and without shame.

  I wanted so bad to just punch him in the balls. I really didn’t think anyone would be offended, I mean, c’mon. It was Brad.

  Instead, I just smiled up at him syrup-sweetly. “Hey, Brad. Great to see you, honeybunches,” I drawled in my best Texas twang. I even batted my eyelashes for effect. I took a long, deliberate suck on my chocolate straw while Clare visibly collected herself. I hoped she was taking courage from my open contempt for her ex.

  Brad inhaled sharply, enough air to effectively puff his chest up about like a rooster.

  Clare murmured sweetly, “Careful, babe, you might hurt yourself if you try to be any more manly. I mean really, I’m just quaking in my boots.”

  I didn’t bother to keep my voice down. “So. This is the guy who was so bad in bed he turned you gay, huh, Clare?”

  “You have no idea. Atrocious. Thirty-second wonder on a good day,” she replied equally volubly.

  Brad blustered for a minute, seemingly at a complete loss for words at our boldness.

  I smacked my lips and smiled over at Clare. “Tell me, Clare. Are you offended by his little greeting? Personally, I’m not. I mean, hey, girls are great! What’s not to love about ’em?” I gently disengaged my hands from hers so I could lean back to stare up at Brad coldly.

  He ground out from behind clenched teeth, “I swear to God, Clare, leaving me was the worst decision you ever made. I’ll do whatever it takes to make your life a living hell. I’ll even tell your parents.”

  Her eyes flickered with worry for just a second before she laughed without humor. “Go right ahead. It would save me a lot of trouble. Why don’t you go back to your date? I’m already sympathetic for your next victim.”

  Brad slammed his hands down so hard on the table that both of our hot chocolates spilled. We danced out of the way of the steaming liquid as the waitress whizzed over to us, towel in hand. She shot Brad an irritated look and started mopping up our table.

  We did our best to help her as the waitress addressed Brad sternly. “I’m sure your parents would be disappointed to know about all the girls you’ve brought in here, and all those little pills you slip into their drinks.” She finished cleaning up the worst of our table and pulled out another towel to continue mopping.

  “I never did any such thing,” Brad protested angrily.

  I smiled up at him knowingly, sipping at my remaining hot chocolate. He glared at me like he was seriously contemplating killing me right then and there. I would’ve liked to see him try.

  The waitress shook a finger under his nose. “Don’t lie to me, young man. I’ve known your parents for nigh on forty years. Two things are going to happen in the next two minutes, or your parents are going to get a phone call from me. First, you’re going to go up to the register and pay for these girls’ drinks that you spilled. Second, you’re going to take whoever that poor girl over there is home. And you’re not welcome to come back in here again.” The waitress said it all matter-of-factly, like she was informing him that the sky was blue.

  I struggled desperately not to laugh, but Clare made no such effort. Brad spluttered a few seconds before storming over to the counter and yanking out his wallet angrily. Silently, I thanked fate or whatever had put that waitress here in this diner today. Who knows how violent Brad would’ve been willing to get with us. Let’s
just say I wasn’t eager to find out.

  I looked over at Clare as she intently watched Brad and Cam leave. Cam glanced over her shoulder poisonously at me. I shrugged. Too bad I didn’t care. But Clare was definitely rattled. I was glad when our waitress/angel skated back over to us with two new hot chocolates.

  She smiled down at us and squeezed Clare’s shoulder supportively. “You two listen to me. Never pay any attention to that boy or anyone like him. They’re all just bitter and scared because they don’t understand. And people have a way of being mad when they don’t understand something.”

  Clare blinked rapidly a few times before looking up at her. “Thank you,” she said quietly. “For everything.”

  The waitress nodded curtly. “I’m just doing what’s right. Now enjoy your night and enjoy the weather for goodness sakes.”

  I smiled and reached out for Clare’s hand. She flashed me a huge smile. The waitress skated away. I looked out the window and gasped. Big, fat, white flurries of snow floated down. It was absolutely gorgeous.

  “I hope you like ice cream,” Clare sang.

  A smile broke across my face. “Almost as much as I love snow.”

  Twelve

  I HONESTLY thought I was going to explode with the amount of ice cream Clare and I consumed. She rubbed her stomach shamelessly, leaning back in her chair and letting out a big sigh.

  “Class in a glass, Clare, class in a glass,” I mused.

  She grinned. “What can I say? I’m an upscale lady.”

  I toyed with my spoon, dragging it through the remaining mishmash of ice cream flavors.

  Clare joined me, her spoon clattering noisily against mine. “Hey! I thought we agreed that I would get all the vanilla variants.”

  I laughed and scooped up a big spoonful just to annoy her.

  “I like a girl with some sass,” she murmured.

  I nodded a little sleepily, entering the first stages of sugar crashing, and it looked as if Clare wasn’t very far behind me. Our energy was definitely starting to abate, and anyway, our movie started in twenty minutes.

  We tried to pay for our ice cream and drinks, but the waitress very casually explained to us that Brad had already paid for us both. In full. I started to giggle and was laughing nearly hysterically by the time we got to Clare’s car. I sagged in the passenger’s seat. I was exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. Brad’s little visit had made more of an impression than I had realized. Or than I wanted to admit. Clare seemed to be right there with me.

  The drive to the theater was silent but not in an awkward “I really don’t know what to say now” way. It was actually really comfortable. I just watched it snow, honestly. I didn’t know what it was about snow, but it just felt like I was supposed to be quiet as it fell.

  We trudged through the white wet slush into the theater, bought tickets, flopped into seats, and promptly fell asleep.

  I WOKE up, my ear resting on top of Clare’s head. She had her head tucked into my shoulder and was still asleep. The end credits were rolling as I blinked groggily at the screen. I breathed a small laugh. Her hair fanned out over me. I blew a strand of it from my face, and her eyes fluttered open.

  The annoying part was that her makeup was still perfect. I mean, c’mon for goodness sakes! She slowly rolled off of me, rubbing her eyes and still not freaking smearing her makeup. We looked at each other and smiled sleepily. Clumsily, our feet found their way down the stairs and out of the theater. So much for the big finale of the evening.

  Her car crunched along the icy streets, snow smacking into her windshield outside. Swing music filled the interior. It was truly surreal. When we got to my house, we just sat for a little bit, watching it snow. By then, it had snowed at least four inches.

  “You know, in all the years I’ve lived here, it’s never been so eerily perfect,” she said reverently. I swung my head around to look at her. Clare shrugged. “I always felt like something was missing. And then Casey… well, Casey happened, and I knew what had been missing. But I always felt out of place before that, you know? Like I was living in the wrong skin.”

  “I know exactly how you feel,” I replied fervently.

  She nodded. “In a lot of ways, Brad’s like all this snow. He was always covering me, stifling me, burying the real me. But, I guess I let him smother me. And that’s my fault,” Clare confessed.

  I reached over and took her cold hand in mine. “No. Brad is not your fault. And feeling like you’re in the wrong skin isn’t bad. It’s normal. Part of growing up. It’s burning the cookies a million damn times until you get it right. And then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out what made that one batch work so well.”

  Her lips tilted up in a half smile. “What if instead of questioning it, we all just took the recipe for what it was and left it alone to do what it did?”

  I snickered. “Well, that’s not going to happen because people are nosy by nature.”

  Clare chuckled slightly. “As my daddy would say, ‘amen.’” Her voice was clear through the night’s quiet.

  She was right. Being here with her was eerie. But it was also pretty perfect. After a few more minutes of idle chitchat, I opened the car door reluctantly. My parents would start asking questions before too much longer, so I decided to save ourselves the trouble and call it a night. She walked me to the door silently. It continued to snow steadily, nestling into both my and Clare’s hair.

  We stood in front of my door for a few seconds before she leaned in silently. Brushing a strand of hair out of my face, she kissed me. Not an innocent peck but an actual kiss. I think I melted a little bit. I closed my eyes, enjoying it.

  She pulled back, her lips turning up. “That’s how I should have kissed you the first time,” Clare whispered, and my breath caught.

  “Look at you, son!” my dad bellowed. I whipped around, breaking the spell that had fallen over us. He was grinning down at me drunkenly. One eye wasn’t focusing properly as he stood hulking in the doorway. There was a bottle of whiskey in one hand, the door in the other.

  Clare laughed musically from behind me. “Jesus. And I thought my mom’s benders were bad. Anyway, I had a great time with you, Rain. See you tomorrow!” Clare called, walking down my steps.

  I’m pretty sure I choked a good-bye out, but I was too terrified to remember much after that point.

  When my dad closed the front door behind me, I followed him into his office where he collapsed onto the leather sofa with his damned bottle. I must have yelled at him for a good five minutes. It’s not worth going into the details, but I let out a lot of resentment that had been building for a while.

  He just blinked up at me, took the last swig of whiskey in the bottle, and started bawling. I stared down at him. And then I went upstairs and started crying. Maybe it was just an emotional release of my own, or maybe it was a reaction to seeing my dad in such a god-awful state. Or maybe it was because of the single text message waiting for me on my cell phone.

  You’re going to pay for that stunt at the diner. You and her both.

  I hated that my dad was a drunk.

  I hated that he had called me son in front of Clare.

  I hated that Clare didn’t know the truth.

  I hated being afraid that Brad would find out I was trans.

  I hated that I was more afraid of Clare finding out from him.

  I hated that I couldn’t have just been born into the right body.

  But hate doesn’t get you anything except a night that started out lovely only being remembered bitterly.

  Thirteen

  TUESDAY MORNING dawned bright and early, a normal start to a normal day. Seven inches of snow had fallen over the course of last night, blanketing everything in a comfortable white fluff.

  My mom came upstairs around seven thirty to make sure I was awake, and inform me that work crews had miraculously corrected the electricity problem at the high school despite the crappy weather. I assured her that I was not only awake but
plenty capable of driving myself to school. Her concern was touching, nonetheless, and I was glad to see that she and Zach had made it home safely from wherever it was they had gone for the weekend.

  It might seem odd to you that I wouldn’t know where my only sibling and virtually my only parent had gone for an entire twenty-four hours, but it honestly didn’t bother me. My mom would occasionally just take Zach out on a mother-son day trip, stay somewhere, and then fly right home. I didn’t question it because she had done exactly the same thing with me when I had been little. I guess we all needed a break from Dad, sometimes. Not that I don’t love him… most of the time.

  I shrugged on my jacket, readjusting my book bag over it. I tugged at my shirt, staring at the mirror. When I looked out my frosty window, my eyes reflected coldly. Every now and again, I would look into a mirror and jump back a little bit in shock at who was staring back. And I mean shock in the best way possible.

  My lips turned up in a smile as the thought of seeing Clare crossed my mind. But along with that came the reality that I would also have to see Cam and Brad—possibly together—today. A flood of unknowns inundated me, from Freddie’s reaction to the two of them, to possible rumors the two of them would have already spread about me and Clare.

  The drive from my house to the high school had never seemed longer. Neither had it ever felt so short.

  I SLID into my first period seat relatively unnoticed, considering Brad and his friends hadn’t gotten to class yet. I shuffled my notes around nervously, doing some last minute cramming for a Spanish test we were taking today. There were only three other people in the class with me at that point, and I was grateful for the quiet. Everyone was silent as we all studied. Students trickled in over the next few minutes in various layers of clothing. I was starting to worry Clare would be late or worse, not show, as the clock kept ticking. But she didn’t disappoint me.